Short Straw

Whenever my inner dialogue starts playing, I am assured of two things:

1.)    Something is happening where there are too many possible reactions to the ridiculousness that I have to test possible responses via virtual role-play in my head before responding.

2.)    I will have a glazed look on my face and I am assuredly giving a subtle and seemingly attentive nod to whomever it is that is the source of said ridiculousness.

You know how on Jeopardy the music is playing and Alex Trebek walks across the stage to his position of not quite prime time authority and then the camera flashes to the contestants? Today I had a moment where I suddenly saw myself behind a neon trimmed podium in an ill-fitting, somewhat dated navy skirt suit (already sounding pretty hot, right?) and a slightly askew hairstyle. When it comes time for Alex (in my inner dialogue, Alex and I are on a first name basis and he tells me he finds me quite charming) to introduce me to the audience and home viewers, he says “I understand that you once fell off a skate board and skinned your ass…why don’t you tell us about that”.  Ummm, yeah… that’s not awkward or anything.

Anyway: Blah, blah, blah…it’s time to play the game. Alex reads off the categories and I am eagerly poised:

Explanatives That Rhyme with “Chuck”
Shit That’s None of Your Business
Things That You shouldn’t Do While Driving
Shit That’s Not My Problem
Things You don’t Want Your Mother to Know – EVER
Mystery Smells

I won the backstage coin toss (shocker, I know. It’s my inner dialogue. If you lose in your own head, then you need more than a pill and a friendly chat with a well paid professional to manage your psychosis). “Okay, I’ll take ‘Shit That’s Not My Problem’ for $500”… and let me just tell you that if Alex Trebek had been in my bedroom when I opened my eyes this morning and asked me to select my category, you would think I would have chosen this as the theme for my day. Because that’s how it went. All. Day. Long.

Phrase of the day: This is so not my problem.

Only I just said it in my head and smiled at everyone. Because, let’s be honest: screaming at everyone to just shut the hell up only makes you a part of the problem and Alex would be very disappointed.